Someone commented yesterday about looking at journals from the past and I was reminded of the journals I wrote during my late teens and into my 20’s. Back in the 80’s keeping a diary was popular, and trying to find someone’s diary to secretly read, was even more popular. I never wanted a diary as I didn’t know what to write. Years later when I did know, it turned out I was frightened of writing my thoughts down. What would happen if people knew what was going on in my mind? Fear of being found out, judgement, criticism, reprisal. Where had this fear come from? Abusers telling me what would happen if I ever told anyone.
What was it that drove to me break that silence, by writing? I thought I was going crazy. There was no one I trusted to talk to. I had begun talking to myself and was frightened by what I was hearing. I wanted to get it all out of my head and so, one day, I began to write.
I wrote furiously, it couldn’t come out quickly enough. After a few months I looked at what I had written and the fear grew. I’m learning when and why I stopped listening to my Self.
In my 20’s I began writing again and as before, it was out of the need to get thoughts out of my head. This time I was mature enough to look at what I was writing and was able to develop an understanding of what was happening.
Recently I began reading these journals again. Oh my, they are boring! They do highlight how my programming was expressing as I grew up though. The one journal that is very revealing of a past that I am yearning to learn about, I had torn pages out of, for some reason I cannot recall. I had written things that I cannot remember and I long to understand why.
Over the years I’ve had people say I spend too much time in the past, yet others say stop living in the future, then others say focus on the present.
Three broad aspects of time and many opinions. One of my mentors recently wrote; “No one can look forward without seeing where they have been.” This sentence struck me as so beautiful that I wrote it down. Over the days I’ve read it again and have seen various layers, each according to how I was feeling emotionally at the time.
What are your thoughts about looking into the past?
What about looking into the future?
Is there value in journal writing?
Do you listen to your Self?
What does this sentence mean to you? “No one can look forward without seeing where they have been.”